Why Do I Do Things I Know Are Wrong?

A Story of Betrayal, Faith, and Real Transformation

There’s a moment from my past that still comes back to me… not loud, not dramatic, just enough to remind me who I used to be.

It didn’t happen in chaos. It happened in a quiet, ordinary setting… the kind where nothing looks wrong from the outside. But something was already off. Boundaries had been softened. Lines had been crossed long before the moment itself.

A friend trusted me.

And I slept with her boyfriend.

Even writing that… I don’t love saying it out loud. But it’s real.

And what’s harder to explain is how it actually happened.

There wasn’t some big, dramatic decision. There wasn’t even a clear pause.

It was almost like I went into autopilot… like something in me just took over. I wasn’t thinking it through, I wasn’t weighing consequences, I wasn’t even fully present. It was automatic.

And then after… everything slowed down.

That’s when it hit. That quiet, sinking feeling in your chest…the kind where you wish you could rewind time, but you can’t.

That’s when the weight came in. Not just of what I did… but of who I had just been.

And looking back now… that moment wasn’t just about one bad decision.

It was about what was already living inside of me.

The Person I Used to Be

That version of me didn’t understand my value.

Didn’t understand my worth.

I had a sense of right and wrong… but I wasn’t actively choosing what was right. I wasn’t grounded in anything strong enough to guide me when it mattered.

So I reacted.

I followed what felt good in the moment. What felt validating. What felt like attention, connection, relief… even if it was temporary.

And if you’ve heard any of my story before, you know… I wasn’t exactly calm and collected.

I fought people. I justified it because I thought I was standing up to bullies… but I was still being a bully in the process.

I crossed lines. I made decisions that didn’t align with the person I wanted to be.

And the truth is… I wasn’t confused.

I just wasn’t anchored.

The Part No One Talks About

Here’s what I didn’t understand back then…

You can know something is wrong… and still do it.

Not because you don’t care.

But because something inside of you is running the show.

Scripture says it better than I ever could:

Romans 7:15 “For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.”

And if you’ve ever walked away from a moment thinking, that’s not me… that’s not who I want to be…

then you understand exactly what I’m talking about.

The Jar Inside of You

The best way I can explain it now is this…

Picture yourself carrying around a glass jar everywhere you go.

You can’t see it… but it’s there.

And it’s filled with marbles.

Some are good… steady, peaceful, life-giving. Others… reactive, impulsive, heavy.

Now imagine this…

Every time life presses in… stress, temptation, conflict, emotion… that jar tips.

And whatever is inside… comes out.

Not what you wish was in there. Not what you say you believe.

What’s actually there.

Back then, my jar was full of the wrong things.

Impulsiveness. Anger. Validation-seeking. Lack of self-control.

So when the moment came…

That’s what came out.

Not because I didn’t know better…

But because that’s what had been building inside of me.

Meeting Jesus Didn’t Instantly Change Me

Here’s something people don’t always say out loud…

I had already met Jesus at that point.

And I still made that decision.

Because accepting Jesus doesn’t make you instantly perfect.

It doesn’t empty the jar overnight.

What it does… is change your direction.

It gives you truth. It gives you awareness. It gives you access to something greater than yourself.

But the work… happens over time.

There’s a Battle Happening

This is the part we can’t ignore.

There is something actively working against you.

Scripture says:

1 Peter 5:8 “Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.”

That pull you feel…

The one that keeps you stuck in patterns. The one that whispers shame. The one that tells you you’ll never change.

That’s real.

But so is God.

And He’s not passive.

He is actively working to restore, to heal, to transform.

The enemy fights for your soul…

But he does not have the final say.

God does.

What Jesus Actually Does

Jesus doesn’t just tell you to “do better.”

He changes what’s inside of you.

That jar begins to shift.

Not all at once.

But slowly… intentionally.

The marbles start to change.

Impulsiveness becomes self-control. Anger becomes patience. Insecurity becomes identity. Chaos becomes peace.

And this part matters…

The marbles of shame, guilt, and regret?

They don’t belong there forever.

They might wake you up in the beginning…

but God doesn’t ask you to carry them for the rest of your life.

Grace Is Why This Works

Some of you might read my story and think, I would never do that.

Others might think, I’ve done that a hundred times.

That’s exactly why grace exists.

Jesus isn’t waiting for you to get it all together.

He’s waiting for you to come to Him honestly.

And then… He begins the process.

Not overnight.

But steadily.

1 Peter 1:6–7 “…though now for a little while… you have been grieved by various trials… so that the tested genuineness of your faith… may be found to result in praise and glory…”

What I Know Now

That moment in my life…

It doesn’t define me anymore.

But it shows me exactly who I was without something stronger leading me.

And I’ve seen what happens when that changes.

I told my husband recently… I’ve never been popular my whole life.

And now, through this ministry… just by being honest, by being real… people come closer, not further away.

Not because I’ve figured everything out.

But because there’s space.

Space for people to say,“I’m carrying something too.”

We’re Not Meant to Do This Alone

God made us to be in relationship.

With Him. With each other.

The enemy isolates. God connects.

The enemy divides. God restores.

The enemy keeps you stuck in shame. God brings healing into the light.

And that’s where change really begins.

Why We Don’t Get to Judge

There’s something else this journey has taught me…

We don’t get to judge people by their worst moment.

Not theirs… and not our own.

Because if someone had frozen my life at that one decision… that one night… that one version of me…

they would have completely missed who I was becoming.

And the same is true for every person you meet.

The Bible says:

Matthew 7:5 “You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.”

We’ve all had our moments.

Different details… same reality.

Which means our role isn’t to condemn each other…

it’s to be ready for forgiveness.

To expect that people can change. To support them while they do. To create space for growth instead of shutting people down because of where they’ve been.

Because the truth is… we’re all in the process.

None of us arrive overnight.

And the same grace we’ve needed… is the grace we’re called to give.

Start Here

If you’ve never done it before… start here.

Talk to Jesus.

Be real. Be honest. Tell Him where you’re at.

Ask Him what needs to change… and let Him begin.

And don’t do it alone.

If you need someone to walk this out with you… reach out. I will help get you connected.

If This Is You

If you’re carrying something right now…something you don’t talk about…something that still makes you feel small, ashamed, or stuck…

you’re not the only one.

And you don’t have to keep carrying it.

Closing Prayer

Jesus,

I’ve been carrying things You already forgave.

Shame. Regret. Guilt.

Today, I surrender them.

Not just what I’ve done… but the weight I’ve been holding onto.

You don’t want me to stay there.

You want to heal me.

So help me receive that.

Where I’ve been stuck… meet me there. Where I’ve been holding on… help me let go. Where something needs to change… begin that work in me.

Replace what’s inside of me.

Fill me with what is good, what is true, what brings life.

And teach me how to walk this out… with You and with others.

Amen.

With love and understanding,

Melissa, survivor leader